Still Standing
by RC DeWinter
Title
Still Standing
Artist
RC DeWinter
Medium
Painting - Digital Oils-paintography-photopainting
Description
Copyright 2014 RC deWinter ~ All Rights Reserved
My dreams lately have been strange - fractured, disturbing. I find myself in unfamiliar places with unusual people and wake up feeling lost and confused.
As I lay down and closed my eyes last night, I tried to center and calm myself so that my sleep would be more peaceful. I relaxed my entire body and took deep slow breaths, while mentally I imagined guitar strings unwinding, losing their tension, lying relaxed against the neck.
The next thing I knew I was back in Amherst, standing in the moonlit parking lot in back of the theater, a space rimmed with decaying buildings and newer commercial spaces. I stood in the silver moonlight and stared up at one of the ramshackle buildings wondering why I was here. I shortly found out.
Out of the shadows stepped Vincent, walking purposefully to my side. Not only was I happy to see him, I was also relieved not to be standing there by myself
"I'm glad you're here," I said. "You must've known how unsettled and distracted I've been lately."
"Indeed I did," he replied. "I've watched you driving yourself crazy thinking in circles. I have felt the pain in your heart that spreads through you like a great wave, washing out all optimism, all hope. And that has got to stop."
I sighed deeply.
"Vincent, it's difficult not to focus on yourself when you're surrounded by nothing but silence and memories. My despair has been intensified by the coming of winter, the dread of the bitter cold and further isolation," I almost sobbed. "I don't know if I'll survive another winter if it's anything like last year."
Vincent actually grabbed my shoulders and shook me, looking angrier than I'd ever seen him.
"Enough!" he commanded fiercely. "You are not to go down that road. You must keep the candle burning, you have much yet to give and, I promise you, much yet to receive."
I leaned against him and surrendered to the tears.
"How can you possibly know?" I cried. "I see no light at the end of this tunnel, only a brick wall as hideous as that!" I turned and pointed to the largest, most derelict building nearby.
"Don't concern yourself with how I know," he answered. "Come."
He led me closer to the building until we were standing directly before it.
"Look," Vincent said. "Do you see the three levels? How much they differ from each other?"
I nodded, wiping my face on my sleeve.
"On the bottom level, you see your unconscious," Vincent pointed out gently. "Locked up, full of old horrors, metaphorical junk, things you hide even from yourself. A basement that badly needs cleaning. You must unlock those doors and haul all that junk out into the open, and once examined, get rid of it once and for all. You need none of it."
I squinted at the series of old heavy doors but said nothing.
Gesturing higher, Vincent continued, "Those windows in the middle are your conscious mind, your everyday thoughts. Higgledy-piggledy, mismatched, chaotic, no symmetry from one to the next. You wander from chamber to chamber, seeking relief, seeking solace, but find only a different kind of confusion in each one."
I maintained a stony silence.
Unperturbed, he continued, "You avoid stepping out through one of those windows onto the platform that leads upward because you know those thorny vines - your greatest conscious fears - will snag you. But you must be brave enough to bear a few cuts and scrapes to ascend."
"Easy to say," I replied resentfully. "I'm tired, Vincent. Tired of poverty, tired of uncertainty and most of all sick to death of having no one to turn to for relief, for a little help. Never a strong shoulder, never anyone to say 'Don't worry, I'll take care of that.'"
He turned toward me and held my face in his hands.
"You are strong," he said. You are stronger than you know, than you believe you are. If you were not you would not be standing here now. And underneath all your protestations, I know you believe that you have a mission, a purpose. You must let that belief conquer the fear of the thorns."
Vincent released me and pointed to the iron fire escape that led to the top-floor windows.
"That staircase is sturdy. It has withstood years of exposure and will still easily bear your weight," he said firmly. "Just as your inner core is still sturdy, even after years of heartbreak and disappointment. You must climb those stairs, for they lead to the light of your future."
I couldn't suppress a small snort of disbelief.
"Listen to me!" Vincent shouted so loudly I jumped. "It's true, you don't know what lies behind those windows, but that's your task - to discover what is there and take only the best, and then fashion what you have taken into something wonderful," he continued more calmly. "You'll be standing in the light you love most, that of the moon, and you must let it guide you forward. Be brave; embrace the adventure of the new and unknown. You cannot allow yourself to cower in the corner of a dark room cluttered with unhappiness and shrink away to nothing. And when you have found what you need and fashioned the something wonderful, you must take it up to the rooftop and show it to the world."
I must have looked doubtful, for he again took my face in his hands, a small smile lightening his serious demeanor.
"And never forget," he said, almost mesmerizing me with his gaze, "YOU are wonderful in and of yourself. Reach out. Say yes. The answer to the future is always yes. Say it. Say it every day, many times a day. Say it now," Vincent urged.
I opened my mouth but no sound emerged.
"Again," he insisted gently.
"Yes," I almost whispered.
"Louder," Vincent said. "Like the tiger you say you are."
"Yes!" I shouted. "Goddammit, YES!" and laughed - I couldn't help it.
"Good!" he exclaimed. "I will hold you to it, and trust me, I will know if you backslide. Now," he said as he took my arm and pointed to the corner where a small cafe was still brightly lit, "let us go and have a coffee. I need one, and you look like you do too."
~ copyright 2014 RC deWinter
Moonlight illuminates one of the many somewhat dilapidated but sturdy repurposed industrial buildings in Amherst, Massachusetts.
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Thanks to the group hosts for their encouragement and support.
architecture, building, night, urban, city, amherst, apartment building, bold, brick, brick building, decay, dilapidated, dramatic, fire escape, industrial, industrial art, massachusetts, moonlight, new england, vintage, city art, urban art, wall art, windows, RC deWinter, deWinter
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September 14th, 2014
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